Mona,
I’m dating a bisexual man right now. We are both black. I’m gay and we’re both in our 30’s. So far, we’ve been monogamous and he has sworn this to me. I just don’t know if he could be satisfied with me. Any advice? Should I break it off or continue? I’m pretty confused because I never thought that I would be dating someone who is bisexual!
Dear Crossroad,
There's been a lot of discussion lately about your bi dilemma. Everywhere, boyfriends (and girlfriends) of bi guys wade in oceans of insecurity thinking that just because their bi lover has two times the amount of people to potentially paddle through, that he is twice as likely to cheat. When in fact, his large candidate pool has nothing to do with any innate need to stray.
Sure, he likes both men and women; but if he is committed to you, then you have to trust that you are the only one he needs. For most bi guys, it's not all about sex and you lessen the emotional and spiritual connection he has for you by assuming that his like for woman parts is synonymous with an unfulfilled need.
You're also assuming that potentially cheating bi guys (or any cheater, really) only does so because they are sexually unfulfilled. Sex is not the only reason people walk the plank. Some jump ship because they are not satisfied emotionally or spiritually... or they could, frankly, just be over and bored with the relationship.
The likelihood of your bi guy cheating is the same as a 100% gay guy cheating or the probability of a 100% straight guy straying. And, most of the time, our worries about losing a love has more to do with our own insecurities than their want of another.
I've said it before: A liar is a liar, a cheat is a cheat and a player is a player, regardless of race, sexual identity or gender. These nega-ties are innate in the individual, not their defining characteristics.
If he told you that he wanted a woman, then my answer would be slightly different; but he hasn't, so you're paddling upstream by assuming the worst. Instead of seeing his bisexuality as twice the potential for him to cheat, see yourself as the winner amongst twice the school of potentials.
So, with your bi guy, you have to do what every other person in a straight or gay relationship does: trust that when he says you're the only one he wants, that he actually means it. That leap of faith is sometimes a hard thing to take, but no relationship can be successful without it.
Yours in trust,
Mona
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