Hi Mona Lisa,
Was wondering if you can shed some light on my situation. My partner and I are in a committed relationship and have been together for almost two years. We're both intense people, very into each other. He's always been the hot-tempered one in our relationship, while I'm the more relaxed, calm one. He's the type of person who gets frustrated and makes a big deal about taking the wrong exit on the freeway (and blames me for not helping him read the signs) or has a short fuse when something doesn't get done exactly the way he wants it, like fixing new curtains ("You don't know how to fix curtains!?"), or putting on Christmas lights ("Why didn't you tell me the socket was on the other side!?"). And then as soon he explodes, he calms down and starts smiling and being goofy again acting like nothing happened.
I've generally learned how to deal with it and not to call him on it when he's being like that. He makes a bigger deal out of it when I do. I can't help but feel pissed and when he's back to normal he'll be like 'Why are you pissed?"
Don't get me wrong, this doesn't happen every day and he has a lot more good qualities than not and I love him very much. I know that he loves me too. He is very sweet and he takes very good care of me, funny, thoughtful, responsible, etc. But when it does happen, watch out!
We've talked about it several time and he absolutely hates it when I raise my voice. He says that when I raise my voice like that it shows him that I'm just putting up with him and that I don't really accept him for who he us and that I'll get tired of him. He also says that if that happens again, he doesn't think he can deal with it in the long run (implying break the relationship) which basically means that I will always have the role of the sponge, taking it all in and just dealing with it.
Is it just me or is that ridiculous and immature?
Frustrated in OC
Dear OC,
It's not just you, he is being very immature—especially in the context of a relationship. I'm willing to bet your man is an adult version of that kid I saw the other day in Starbucks screaming, rolling on the floor and doing other attention grabbing things while his mom stoically ordered her coffee. I'm not sure if she thought that by ignoring his tirade people wouldn't realize that Damien wasn't hers or if she thought that by ignoring his antics he wouldn't get the attention he needed, thus would calm down or if she was just fed up and tuned it all out. Either way, it wasn't the mom's fault. I could tell she was from the era of tantrum time outs and child empowerment. I was raised in a get-our-act-together kind of household where the kids were accountable for their actions.
Mom, I mean 'mo, your man obviously has anger management issues and has obviously never dealt with his destructive temper. Why should he have to? You stand by his side like the Starbucks mom ignoring his episodes or backing down from his way-too-old-to-be-acting-like-that behavior. I know this seems like the path of avoiding conflict, but what it really does is repeatedly give him a free pass to scream in your ear. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells. I'm sure you didn't sign up to be the Tina to his verbal Ike.
When he yells at you for yelling back, really what he's doing is flexing his muscles just like the kid on the coffee shop floor—daring his mom to discipline him. But the more she ignored him, the more he went off at the mouth. The result: She eventually bought the little boy and absurdly large pound cake just to shut him up. Mission accomplished... for him! And as you can guess: After he got his cake, he smiled and smacked as if nothing happened.
So, how do you handle your grown little boy? Call him on his bluff. If you don't continue to stand up for yourself, he'll continue to step on you. You should be the one threatening to end the relationship, not him. And if he does then call him on it. I know the temptation is to avoid the fireworks, but it sounds like you've reached your limit. Turning a blind eye only delays the fireworks, so why not put out the fuse as soon as possible?
Offer him an opportunity to work on his anger with you. You need a concrete plan of action—therapy or classes—not just words. If he truly cares about having an equal partner, he'll take the bait and get to work. If he continues to give you the "pound cake or me" ultimatum, then pick him up off the floor, look him in the eye and remind him that your relationship isn't just about him getting what he wants. Right now, he has little consideration for how his behavior affects you. But, trust me: He'll start paying attention when you stop giving him your sweets and start taking care of your own needs.
Here are a few resources for your boyfriend:
Yours at Starbucks in Disbelief,Mona
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