Dear Ramon,
My boyfriend of 4 months and I are currently on shaky ground. About a year ago, he walked in on his boyfriend of 2.5 years cheating on him. Now, I feel like I'm dealing with the consequences because he is constantly second-guessing my intentions and is nervous about me going out or even talking to friends online. He often blows things out of proportion, which turns into a huge argument.
I'm getting frustrated with always having to justify my actions, and he is constantly questioning me. I would never cheat on him, because I see the effects of it, but is there hope for us? How can I build trust in my relationship?
P.S. We are both tops. we've been finding thirds to bottom for us.
Dear Rebound,
Unfortunately, you married into a relationship with a guy who has a ton of bad emotional credit, which we all tend to do from time to time. The only problem is, the person seeking the help is usually not the one with the problem.
Your guy is used to having his love checks bounce. All it took was one bad incident to overdraw his emotional account; but it's not fair to continually make you pay the overdraft fees. Your relationship will never survive without trust and he is severally lacking it. Building this trust of course takes two, but he must first heal from his previous heartbreak. When he questions your activity, he's seeing his old cheating boyfriend, not you.
If you want this love to last (which it sounds like you do), it's time to pull out the emergency stash. Encourage your man to talk about his frustrations. Sure, he's told you the story before, but this time we're going to draw out all of that negative emotion and replace it with your positive love.
Reserve a night alone with no distractions. Turn off the TV and the cell phones and just have a chat together. Tell him how you feel about the situation. Reassure him that you care and understand that he has been hurt in the past. Show him that you both will heal from his trauma together. Ask him what about your behavior reminds him of his previous cheater. Explain how your behavior is based on good intentions. Also express how you feel when he distrusts you. Tell him you want a relationship based on trust.
Be firm about what you want out of the partnership, but be understanding of his needs. Don't be afraid to go into the emotional depths of your relationship; we're trying to salvage it, not avoid it. Do avoid arguments, though. Base the discussion of how you feel, how he feels and try to come to a mutual understanding of each other. Keep in mind, you cannot repair his previous pain or low self-esteem for him. He must be open and willing to meet you half way.
And by the way, need I comment on adding a third sexual partner into an already fragile relationship? That's like buying something when you're broke. Sure it feels good during the purchase, but when you get home you'll quickly realize that it wasn't worth a negative account balance. Include your sex life in this chat you're going to have with your man. If you're both die hard tops, then you need to decide what's more important: saving your relationship or satisfying a craving. Random thirds will inevitable kill a union (read Three's a Crowd).
Someone has to bend here; and I think if you play your cards right you can reach a mutual understanding.
Yours in love,
Ramon
More Love & Sex Advice:
No comments:
Post a Comment