Coming Out Thirties

I fear my coming out story follows the arc of so many other gay men who struggled for years with their sexuality.

Though I dated women into my thirties, I was more often than not a failure in the bedroom. And once in my thirties, I was a complete failure.

Embarrassed, humiliated I would apologize to the the woman (who almost always were understanding, sympathetic and supportive, blaming my failure on alcohol, stress, what-have-you. And then drink myself into a daze back at my apartment only to look for another woman within days knowing that this time I'd be able to "perform." Of course, I never did.

In my mid-thirties, I was at Madison Square Garden with some male buddies at a Knicks game. Partway in, I realized I was focusing on one individual Kicks player. He was a stunning male speciman: tall, muscular, dark ebony, with powerful African features. I was mesmerized, in awe of his almost other-worldly beauty.

That night, alone in bed, I fantasized about this player. At first, as a presence on the court, then hanging out with him, having a few beers. As the night wore on, I began to imagine the two of us alone, in my apartment, kidding around, wrestling, and then embracing, and finally kissing, making out...

The next day, I was confused, angry, disgusted with myself. But this stunning African-American man stayed in my mind. Dominating my thoughts. Weeks, months went by. And I found myself casually eying men, especially black men. And it was many months before I realized I barely looked at women anymore, only men. On the street, on movie lines, in the park, everywhere. Men—black and white, all men—were front-and-center in my mind, as sexual objects. I fought their growing power, drinking more, staying home, eating takeout. But after a year of misery, emotional distress, I stared at myself in the mirror and mumbled, barely audible, "Am I gay?" Even though it would be many months before I actually answered my question with an unequivocal "Yes."

It was really at that moment when I realized I was a gay man. And it was many years, when I was in my forties, before I actually embraced my homosexuality and came out of the closet. At last, I was myself, gay, out and proud.

-Dan Collier

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